Flight of a Wingless Bird

First of all, I would like to thank Ate Marilyn for giving me another opportunity to write in Soaring Butterfly. This wonderful newsletter gives us lupus patients a chance to reach out to others and share our experiences, thoughts and feelings we rarely express to the world.

I thank God for letting me finish my college without having any serious health problems at all. I remember being excited to once again continue schooling like a normal teenager. (I was in homestudy program during my highschool days.) But it wasn’t easy introducing myself. I know I have to let everyone in school know my real condition. I want to let them know all my limitations so that they will soon understand some of my unusual behavior. And I was gladly accepted.

Still, I have some social problems on my own. I’m not an open person. I am always a bit aloof with crowds around me. I have a few friends, but still I try to gain attention by being nice, polite and smart in class. I may not be able to hang around with most of them but I was contented with my lone life where no one disturbs me and no one dares force me to do things I’m not used to.

Little by little, things changed. Every term, I became more lively, comic and comfortable with those around me. I gain new friends, new knowledge and new lessons. Soon my friends became the light of my school life. We love teasing each other, singing aloud, sharing food together and helping each other. No day passes without a sound of laughter escaping our mouths. Even teachers have fun with us. In short, they are my stress relievers. In spite of the stress in school, it’s amazing how I managed to get through it. I thank God for giving me once again new unforgettable memories to cherish.

I just graduated from my 2-yr computer programming course last May 2009. Honestly, my last days in school were the worst of all. We all underwent the most difficult part, that is our thesis. I hate to say this but it almost wiped out all the happiness inside of me. I have shed a lot of tears and endured a lot of stress and emotional pain, even anger. I almost gave up everything considering the fact that I carry most all the burdens of making the project. We underwent a lot of redefenses almost every week, requiring me to make revisions in the codes over and over again. It’s as if our suffering will never end. It hurts knowing we’re trying to perfect our system in vain, only to attain a somewhat disappointing grade. I can’t blame anyone for expecting high of me, but I think they should have known I have done my best from what I have just learned from them.

It even added to my frustration to hear that the bank where I was performing my on-the-job training suddenly dropped me due to my frequent absences. I didn’t understand why it happened because I clearly remembered my supervisor granting me permission to finish first my final exams and thesis projects before continuing my work there. I was even accused of sleeping in my desk, whereas I’m not. I was actually feeling uncomfortable because I was starting to have a lupus flare that time. It dawned to me that a busy, rigid, fast-paced corporate world out there isn’t the right place for a sick person like me.

After this, I suddenly lost confidence in myself. It’s as if my body and mind became so tired and weak of all I’ve been through. I just have to smile and appear strong for the people around me, especially those who still believe in me. I had to hide my sadness, fears and frustrations, so as not to worry and trouble them more. Now, I’m spending my time, thinking what do I really want to do and what is really important in life, while trying to heal the wounds inflicted on me.

I just came to the conclusion that we have to accept that there will always be angels and demons in our lives. There will be people who will cause you to suffer and there will be ones trying to keep yourself together. It’s a fact and we cannot do anything about that. What is important is that you must decide for yourself which of the two you would become, an angel or a demon? It’s a choice of living to make others happy or living while stepping on others. Of course, I believe we must strive our best not only to live but also to love that we may be remembered as angels who inspired others to appreciate the life God has given to us. In the end, we will not be measured by the height of our success, but by the weight of love we have given to one another.